Tuesday, August 6, 2013

It's Twatwaffle Tuesday

I don't really have anything twatwaffley to report except that DemonSpawn *accidentally* let DemonPrincess overhear this gem:

Which I didn't know about until we sat down for dinner last night.

DemonPrincess yelled "SURPRISE BUTTSEX!" 

I think DearHusband choked on his pizza. I know I snorted Ramune out of my nose. And it just didn't stop.

Next thing you know, she gives us a demonstration. Which involved banging the butts of two gummy vitamin bears together. I'm totally losing it at this point.

Then she was really hyper and bouncy and she just started sing-songing "BUTTSEX". I died.

Thus ensued a long discussion about what not to say at school, and the kinds of phone calls Mommy and Daddy do not wish to get from the school. We also informed DemonSpawn that if his uber expensive muffling headphones are turned up so high that she can hear a song over them, they are TOO DAMN LOUD.

So, later on that evening, DemonPrincess is looking through the new Wishcraft catalog from Chasing Fireflies that came in the mail. Now, this is some uber-expensive costume shit. We've never ordered, and I don't know how we got on the mailing list - but the kids look forward to getting it and maybe getting some costume *ideas*, which is cool with me (and my wallet).

Until she finds page 22. Background - as you know, DemonPrincess has autism. This comes along with some obsessions, and collections. One of the things she collects is crystals and jewels (basically she's a little magpie). So, she spies this:

Yes, this is an 11" long, neon green, phallic shaped piece of...Kryptonite. She did correctly identify it (pats on the back all around for nerd parenting win). And she begs for it, oh my gods does she beg for us to buy this. We HAVE to, it's a CRYSTAL!

At which point, DemonDaughter looks over and dies laughing. So I look over. Simple statement: NO.

Princess cries, throws a tantrum, and generally is a very loud annoyance and will not calm the fark down. She gets more upset the more DD and then I, and then DH are laughing, thinking we are laughing at her. So I had to explain why I said no, and why we were not laughing at her.

I ask her repeatedly.. ok.. Princess.. what ELSE do you maybe think that looks like? She finally, after about 10 different answers, says "a penis".

Demonspawn tells me I'm going to hell.

My response: "Is it better for me to get her to understand that and NOT buy it, or order it so she quits begging and then watch her run around the house with an 11" long neon green dildo?"

DemonDaughter then decides to chime in. "Suprise buttsex?"

And then they all got sent to bed and Mommy had a drink. There is not enough brain bleach in the world, folks, which is why I am sharing my pain with you. 

We can all go to hell together.